Book Suggestions:
A page from that thread that has to do with getting enough physical activity - important for those that need to get out energy... in a positive way:
http://sandradodd.com/physicality/
But there seems to be this assumption that kids *prefer* easy
solutions like punching their sister, or shooting someone with a gun.
That they have an innate draw to violence. And it's as if parents
believe they need to squash that innate need any way they can, not
give it any fodder to encourage it, until the kid can prove they can
suppress the desire for such choices.
Kids don't prefer to hit their sisters. They just don't have the
emotional development or the experience to get more complex solutions
to work for them. They have needs they want to meet. They need
assistance in meeting those needs in ways that are respectful. They
need to see loads and loads of peaceful solutions to their problems
before they begin grasping how to do it themselves.
Joyce
Depends. If more hitting is likely, the first thing will be to gently as
possible physically prevent any further hitting. If the hitting is over,
not ongoing, the first thing might be to say, "Whoa - what's going on?"
Lots of times I wouldn't address the actual hitting until maybe later.
I'd help resolve whatever issue led to it. Later, I might say to the
hitter, when everything is calm, "You got so frustrated you hit your
sister." I'd wait and see what the reaction is to that. We'd just talk,
calmly, about why he did that and not something else, or maybe how it
felt just before he hit and what else he might do when he feels that way.
Exception to this would be if this is a frequent occurrence. In that
case, I might have had this conversation multiple times already and I
might have said, at some point, "When you hit, the hitting becomes the
problem, instead of what your original problem was." And, if we'd gotten
to that point, I might NOT deal with the current issue, but immediately
say, "Hitting gets in the way of problem solving." Especially if the
child is continuing to try to hit, I would not move on to trying to
discuss the current problem until the hitter was clearly ready and
willing to do that without hitting anymore.
The MAIN thing I'd do is be more present and watch for myself what is
leading up to it. Then I'd talk to the kids about what I observed and
we'd brainstorm ways to avoid it. It might be that it is over younger
kids grabbing toys away from the older ones, for example, since that's a
frequent cause of a 6 year old hitting a 4 year old. So that would be
the focus - how can the older kids have a safe place to play without the
younger ones being a nuisance?
-pam
----------------------
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"
by Faber & Mazlish
by Faber & Mazlish
"Siblings Without Rivalry" by Faber & Mazlish
Yahoo Group:
Siblings Fighting -
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully (scroll down for free audio file)
I will attach a couple of threads about siblings and peace and list some things/posts I've saved below:
Facebook post on siblings fighting on Radical Unschooling Info facebook group:
http://sandradodd.com/physicality/
----------------
But there seems to be this assumption that kids *prefer* easy
solutions like punching their sister, or shooting someone with a gun.
That they have an innate draw to violence. And it's as if parents
believe they need to squash that innate need any way they can, not
give it any fodder to encourage it, until the kid can prove they can
suppress the desire for such choices.
Kids don't prefer to hit their sisters. They just don't have the
emotional development or the experience to get more complex solutions
to work for them. They have needs they want to meet. They need
assistance in meeting those needs in ways that are respectful. They
need to see loads and loads of peaceful solutions to their problems
before they begin grasping how to do it themselves.
Joyce
------------
Make the Better Choice
My suggestion to you is to focus on making a "better" choice each time you can. I think that was the most helpful advice I got as a parent of younger kids—it was surprisingly practical and encouraging to simply consider at least two choices and pick the better one. The next time, try to think of the one you did choose and then one other—pick the better one. If you make a choice you're unhappy with, after the fact, think then about what would have been a better choice—have that one "on hand" for next time.
Don't expect to be perfect, but expect yourself to be improving all the time.
--------------------
There is a transcript of more explanation for this method of thinking of two or more things and making a conscious choice:
Don’t ever decide from one choice, you know, wait until you get two and make the better choice. And if you think “Ok, I’m either going to whack him or I’m going to yell at him,” yell at him—that was the best choice you had at that moment. And the next time, start with “yell at him."
“Ok, I'm either going to do what I did the last time or something better. I'm going to yell at him or I’m going to go in the other room for a second." Go in the other room.
And the next time, maybe your choice could be either “go in the other room” or “I’m going to take a deep breath and make a joke about it.” Make a joke.
And gradually and incrementally you come closer to the place where you want to be. Beause I don’t think anybody can just jump from a lifetime of responses and expectations and behaviors and just pick some other person and just become that person. You can’t do that.
—Sandra Dodd
----------------------------------
Re: When siblings hit
Posted by: "Pam Sorooshian" pamsoroosh@mac.com psoroosh
Sat Aug 1, 2009 1:27 pm (PDT)
Depends. If more hitting is likely, the first thing will be to gently as
possible physically prevent any further hitting. If the hitting is over,
not ongoing, the first thing might be to say, "Whoa - what's going on?"
Lots of times I wouldn't address the actual hitting until maybe later.
I'd help resolve whatever issue led to it. Later, I might say to the
hitter, when everything is calm, "You got so frustrated you hit your
sister." I'd wait and see what the reaction is to that. We'd just talk,
calmly, about why he did that and not something else, or maybe how it
felt just before he hit and what else he might do when he feels that way.
Exception to this would be if this is a frequent occurrence. In that
case, I might have had this conversation multiple times already and I
might have said, at some point, "When you hit, the hitting becomes the
problem, instead of what your original problem was." And, if we'd gotten
to that point, I might NOT deal with the current issue, but immediately
say, "Hitting gets in the way of problem solving." Especially if the
child is continuing to try to hit, I would not move on to trying to
discuss the current problem until the hitter was clearly ready and
willing to do that without hitting anymore.
The MAIN thing I'd do is be more present and watch for myself what is
leading up to it. Then I'd talk to the kids about what I observed and
we'd brainstorm ways to avoid it. It might be that it is over younger
kids grabbing toys away from the older ones, for example, since that's a
frequent cause of a 6 year old hitting a 4 year old. So that would be
the focus - how can the older kids have a safe place to play without the
younger ones being a nuisance?
-pam
----------------------
http://sandradodd. com/moment One bad moment doesn't need to affect the moment after that. It can be the cause of the next moment being better.
Sandra
Sandra
-------------------------------------
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